Sunday, January 30, 2011

All Star Draft - I Don't Feel Bad for Kessel Edition

No surprise. (Photo via
This is a couple days late, but really couldn't help myself. Kessel picked last = priceless. This Leafer is soooooo awkward and the weirdest all star in the bunch (Backes a close can't beat up everyone into liking you). Kessel is a social imbecile who would make Ricky Gervais' character in the Office UK blush.

All Star game is today and will be epic. I'm cheering for Team Staal by default since Karlsson is playing for them.


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Same Old 60 + Minutes

It usually breaks around overtime o'clock (photo via
As great as the life and times of the Ottawa Senators have been up to this point in this historic season, I do want to watch this team play. With that said, I'm officially putting Rogers Sportsnet, the Vanier of Canadian sports networks, in the Sin Bin.

If the game is on Sportsnet East, I'm screwed. Yes I do live in Toronto but I'm always forced to watch the game via a terrible stream that is barely viewable.

The network in question offers multiple time shit shift channels that are always blacked out. FREE ADVICE: Do hockey fans a major solid and pony up the dough to get national coverage with the NHL. Your hockey experts are the worse in the hockey macrocosm, with Kyperos taking most of the credit for that (we're cool Mendes). Shame on you Rogers for overcharging me on my monthly bill and giving me this sub par product you call a sports network. FYI broadcasting live video of sports talk radio shows and showing poker games 24/7 gives you zero credibility as a sports provider.

The TSN Highlight Game Recap

Based on the boxscore and a 40 second highlight reel, the Sens held their own. Blown defensive assignments seem to be the reason for the Sabres goals, which should not come to a surprise to any of us. The Sens outshot their opponent for the 246th game in a row, but haven't realized as of yet that low quality shots usually don't find their way to the back of the net. Especially against a cat like Miller.

Kuba is the New Word for Suck, Weak and Everything Else

Happy that Kuba was scratched again last night. Can this continue until his contract runs out?

Overtime Blame Game

A lot of fellow bloggers on the Sensernet are not fans of Mr. Phillips (Big Rig is possibly the worst nickname ever) which is understandable seeing that he kuba-ed all season long. He has made some game changing mistakes in the last 40 games. And all this in his contract year. I'm feeling everyone's frustation with the alternate captain. He hasn't looked the same without Volchenkov.

The overtime winning goal for Buffalo was not his fault. He had his man covered. Then Pominville came to apply more pressure to free the puck off the boards (which he did) while Phillips was already fighting with Vanek. Elsewhere, Karlsson and Michalek were standing around looking at the play develop. We're all aware of what happens when we play sports and become spectators... "Hey what's that? Oh its a Sabres defenseman heading for the net with a head full of steam. Good skater...How did he get the puck?". Game over.

We Are on the Same Page, but Reading From Different Books

How can anyone take this franchise seriously? We have Melnyk speaking somewhat candidly with the Ottawa Sun one day, then No-worry Murray crying to the press the next day saying that he wants to stay on as the grand puba, while claiming that the team is one year away. They've been one year away for 4 years already! Here's the deal: this team needs fresh blood and a new philosophy in the office (a warm body less than 60 years old would be refreshing).

What freaks me out the most has to be this plan that Melnyk spoke about. What do you MEAN you've been working on a plan? A succession plan? A rebuild the roster plan? A I-need-to-stay-away-from-Marc-before-he-hunts-me-down plan? I pray to Alfie's holy ball hair that he's not getting his insider trading fingers into this team's operation. What next? Pierre McGuire as GM? Hahahahaha. That would be the next level of nonsense to bring this team to the lowest degree of ridicule. Get an established seasoned GM or assistant that can pick up the pieces left by the Advisor-in-Waiting and focus on not signing Pavel Bure or Oleg Petrov. Draft it to success. And use the prospect in the system.


Ottawa Sun Sports Headline Gold - Stank Edition

I try to be somewhat creative with my post titles (I guess you can call them headlines). I've often wondered how the journalistic geniuses at the Ottawa Sun develop their brilliant headlines. This unlimited series will display these life changing nuggets of literary gold as they become available to us unworthy troglodytes.

From the online edition published on January 25th 2010:

Sens’ barn has stench to it


Saturday, January 22, 2011


(photo via )

What more can be said? 3 goals in 2 games. 13 goals against in that same span. And Butler, the best Sens forward for the last few games, has been sent down to Bingo...damn.


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Novertime...IN HELL!!!!

This explains so much ( photo via, with minor modifications by me)
1 point. The Sens will take comfort in this point, satisfied with a job somewhat well done. As they try to sleep, the uneasy feeling "of almost there" will keep coming back, swirling in their nightmares and they will suddenly wake up drenched, much like if you were skating over an unfrozen rink. The Number of the Beast appears and that number is 1! Hallowed be thy name Hiller. You are evil and I bow down to you know why he's an all-star.


He was on point. He made the timely saves to keep those Ducks in the game. 178 feet away, Elliott did his work better than I've seen him perform in a long ass time. Brian, thanks for stopping pucks since your job is stopping pucks.

Here's a big ole nugget of a fact: the Sens are the ONLY team that haven't won a game in overtime or a shootout this season. Isn't that some shit? I wonder if a team has played 82 games without winning a game in the extra frame and/or shootout?

Only 35 games to go until we find out.

Divine Castration

The 27th ranked team that I root for played, arguably, their most complete game of the season. Winning the battles that let you win games: board play was awesome and the attack was....well...attacking. I'm scratching my beer gut wondering if this Hiller guy is that good or if the Sens are that impotent on offense.


Milan looked awesome last night, driving the net and getting some quality chances. Looks like the knees are back and the dilithium crystal are almost at full capacity. Next on the docket: get those hands back.

His bitch is Alfred. Sorry Bruce.

Butler killed it last night. He looked poised, dominant and had shit tons of chances. Looks like this kid is ready to pop and get some points. Over 18 minutes of ice time and 3 shots (seemed like he had more). BOLD PREDICTION: Ottawa sends Butler back to Binghamton tomorrow, they call him back the next day and return him back 2 hours later. Lehner is called up to fill out Butler's spot, they realise that he's a goaltender, send Lehner back and call up Wick, but he has to wear Butler's jersey. This Bingo shuffle has got to stop.

Site has changed a bit. Don't think it's as tough on the eyes as it was before.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Stranger Things Have Happened

(Photo via
As I mentioned yesterday, I have no time to do anything. So I decided to contribute some of my cynicism to a fantastic blog called The Cory Clouston Fashion Review.

Every person that reads my blog: "Isn't that a total contradiction, with you confessing that you have no time for your blog but you volunteer to contribute to another blog???" Me: "Yes. Yes it is."

If you haven't checked out the CCFR, you need to check your head. Head on over to and get your subscription on.

In honour of the CCFRers (and for allowing me to spew my nonsense on their blog), I will ask my fiancé to write a fashion review on Cory Clouston (spoiler: she's not impressed).


Monday, January 17, 2011

Why I Strongly Dislike the Leafs : Reason # 2

This will be a continuing series exploring all the reasons why I loathe the Leafs. There is no logic behind the order because my disdain cannot be ranked

Reason # 2: They continually cancel this parade that is supposed to happen on Yonge street. One day it's on. The next it's off. Annoying.

No Time = Lack of Updates

UPDATE: MY STRIKE IS OVER!! Thanks to the win over the Isles, I will get back to watching the Sens. Trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Sorry for the lack of consistency in my posts. Speaking of lack of consistency, the Sens are 2 points behind the Leafs and the losses keep piling up. It can only go somewhere from here. I want to say up, but they need a couple wins before I can get back on the positive tip.

On the bright side, the Cloustonian Tie Color Effect has been updated and it looks like the Silver with Grey Stripes tie is the clear runaway winner at this point, with a whopping 2 wins and no losses. If anyone in the Senators organisation is reading, please pass this message to Cory.

My goal is to get a couple posts out a week until the end of January, then kick it up a notch by doing a post every 1 to 3 days for the rest of the year.

If you're reading this, thanks for the support.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Ottawa Sun Sports Headline Gold

I try to be somewhat creative with my post titles (I guess you can call them headlines). I've often wondered how the journalistic geniuses at the Ottawa Sun develop their brilliant headlines. This unlimited series will display these life changing nuggets of literary gold as they become available to us unworthy troglodytes.

From the online edition published on January 11th 2010:

Stinky Sens Lay Big Fat Egg


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Strike! I'm Out!

UPDATE: As I'm posting this, the Sens are getting destroyed by the Bruins 6 - 0 in the early minutes of the 3rd.

Call it laziness. Or even the back to work and reality kick in the ass. Or a hockey strike. Yes that's it. I'm on an official back to work, lazy ass, dreaming of turkey hockey strike. That loss to the Leafs was the beginning of the strike and will continue until they win. During this period I will not go out of my way to try to watch this team slog their way through a game. I will, however, keep up with my regular readings and comment with the help of said articles and judge the team based on box scores. As unfair as analyzing on stats alone might be...that's the way its gonna be.

Strike: day 11

Great news! Kovalev is out for a week! Jimmy O gets the call again to replace the injured winger (who has been playing with a bobo for a minute). I've seen some folks yearning for Locke to get a call up to provide some O in the Big O. There's a reason why he played in the Habs farm system for all those years. Its because he's a great AHLer. That's about it folks! Nothing else to cry or worry about here.

Meanwhile Lehner is now the proud owner of a Greyhound frequent traveller card commuting back and forth between Ottawa and Bingo. I saw that he might get a start this week even though Mike Brodeur is backing up tonight. I've seen MacDonalds managers that have a better grasp on their team.

Union Due Arrears

I had this itching feeling about that gold medal game last week. Once I noticed that Marcus Foligno was playing like Nick Foligno, the end was near. I missed the first 8 minutes of the third...late night chores (somebody has to wash the dishes) and probably some show about weddings was on TV (can't blame my fiancĂ© for my inability to track time). As a Canadian hockey fan I was happy with the 3-0 lead. Who wouldn't be? But in the back of my twisted little mind I needed some excitement with a dab of drama. I got it in maple leaf shaped spades. Drama turned into shock. Shock turned into disbelief. Disbelief turned into a bunch of Russian kids yelling shout outs to their moms in their native tongue into the camera. And then the vodka.

Thoughts on Shuffle

The Senator from the NHL's Guardian Project revealed!! Strength: 20 year old, 170lbs Swede. Weakness: A one man forecheck by the opposing team (photo via
- Who would win in a fight? The NHL Super Heroes or Alpha Flight sans Wolverine (who is a reserve due to his citizenship, bub)? On the one hand you have third rate supers and on the other...third rate supers. Result: the most epic crossover mega failure in comicdom. And for some strange reason, the Bettman destroys both teams and colonizes the southern US to save humanity. The only hockey heroes left? The Penguin and Capital who will be forced to mate and create a super marketing tool of evil duper hero.

- Karlsson is Ottawa's rep for the all-star game which is cool. He'll kill it in the "giveaways that lead to deflating goals" competition. Joining him will be Kovalchuk, Thornton and Duncan Keith. Spezza is a reserve for this display of skills since he's still injured.

- If I see one more sign that has "Eh" on it made by a Canadian at an international competition, I might go Rypien on someone.

- So when is Kuba getting traded? Oh! He makes that much a season? That's tough to trade. At least he'll be off the cap after this year. He's signed until when??!!

- Wellwood signed with the Blues after his stint over in Mother Russia. Ottawa Senators, consider this opportunity officially missed. Kinda funny that the Blues have a growing population of former Leafs, and are in the same position this year.

- Speaking of the Leafs, they are tied in points with the Sens, but get out of the Northeastern basement thanks to one less game played. Looks like the Sens are in the running to compete for the Daigle Cup!


Sunday, January 2, 2011

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'...

...Get Those Heads-a-Rollin'. (Photo via )
The Leafs and Sens played nationally on the CBC last night, so I watched the Winter Classic. Even though Ottawa haven't played on a Saturday night in what seems like an eternity (especially on the CBC), they found a way to show the country that they are a bottom tier team that is close to hitting rock bottom. 5 unanswered goals by the Leafs to start the game. How can you possibly come back from such a huge deficit?

This might feel like an ongoing theme throughout my posts over the last few weeks but....Kuba. Is this shit for real? Is Clouston trying to get his ass fired? He's a giveaway machine that doesn't understand the fundamentals of defense. Speed and efficiency are not a part of his lexicon. Is Wade Redden available on the cheap?

Chris "The Truth" Neil

Here's the line on Neil's game last night: 10:10 TOI, 3 shots, 5 hits and 3 penalties for 17 PIMs. The whole world knows that he's a warrior and I sometimes wonder how much other teams would love to have him on their roster. If you haven't read the Ottawa Sun article titled "Neil calls out teammates ... again", here's the brief breakdown:

The frustration level is definitely there. I think you need every one to compete hard, finish checks, get pucks in deep.

The simple truth: get out there, bring the highest level of competition and do the work to make you successful.

You need every one on the same page. We didn't have that tonight. I think the first period and a half in Columbus, we didn’t have that either.

The fundamentals of a successful hockey club: be prepared and stay focused for 60 minutes. Not a ridiculous claim.
It’s like you think you have a switch and you can turn it on, but it doesn’t work that way. You’ve got to go out and work hard every shift.

Back in the good old days, they had a "score on demand" switch which left when most of the talent was purged or walked away. This theoretical switch needs to be on when the National anthems are getting their run through.

Obviously, the other team is going to have some chances as well, but it’s how you rebound from them. We weren’t able to do that tonight.

This is the story of the season in a puckshell.  Neil is know for throwing bombs via fists and hits. Last night he dropped some serious truth bombs. I don't see these post game comments as calling out his teammates. Everyone knows what he was talking about and someone needed to say it.

Wherein Melnyk is Losing his Friggin' Mind

You can imagine where Melnyk's head is at right now. I heard from a friend who knows someone that works at Scotiabank Place that the Owner will clean shop, meaning Murray and Clouston, during the All-Star break. I know, I know...the whole "I heard some juicy news from a friend's friends second cousin who works at the arena who happened to walk by the dressing room at the right time" bullshit is lame, but I kinda believe it. Melnyk is losing patience fast and these changes are inevitable.

When the Sens were the Beast in the East, the team was built on defense. As much as pundits harped on Jacques Martin, his defensive system was effective. The only knock on the team was the goal tending. They were dominating teams by forcing turnovers and capitalizing on their mistakes. The table has turned. Opposing teams are doing this to your favorite club and there is no quick solution to remedy this.

Gimme What I Want

I heard a rumor. Murray has received calls for both Phillips and Fisher from interested teams. I say pull that trigger and get 'er done (no trade and no movement clauses pending of course). This would be the perfect time to get the youth movement started and give them the experience they need to get this team back on the right track. Once Kovalev, Ruutu and Leclaire are off the books, there will be more opportunity for the kids to get in that lineup...Can't believe that Kuba is under contract next year. Besides buying him out, what else can be done? Pull a Sather and throw him in the minors. Oh man I would love to see that.

Next game is against the Blackhawks in Chi-Town. O'Brien and Brodeur have been sent back down which, in my opinion, is a mistake. This might be a temporary assignment since they have 5 days off. That's what I'm hoping.


Saturday, January 1, 2011

Comeback Futility

(photo via )

Great game in Columbus last night. I had written them off as dead after the 3rd Blue Jacket goal but they thankfully proved me wrong. Alfie had a great game netting the equalizer in the 3rd and it looked like he could've scored a few more. Kuba also looked great in the press box. I read that he'll be back in the lineup tonight against the Leafs while Lee will be the healthy scratch. Ruutu is also sitting out to allow O'Brian to play in his second career game.

Minny Jimmy was by far the most aggressive Ottawa forward. He skated hard, took shots and fought for the puck. Now I'm no NHL coach but I never like seeing the bench shortened with your best line taken out of the equation. The Jimmy-Jesse-Zachy line were creating chances all night. Common sense would dictate more ice time. Clouston sense says no. I would expect a rookie to bobble the puck in OT but Kovalev played that role, which ended up being the game winning giveaway. The team will take the point on the road.

Also caught the Canada/Sweden tilt which was very entertaining. The Swedes deserved that win since they took it to the Canadians for the better part of the third and OT. Lehner made the key saves (and also let in some questionable goals). The future looks bright for the Senators with Lehner and Cowan in the wings.

Leafs are in Ottawa on this first day of 2011. A perfect way to start off the New Year.

All the best to you and yours in the year before the 2012 apocalypse. Hope you all have a successful year.